Transition
I’m not the first person to write about parenthood, and I certainly wouldn’t be the last. Child was a title I’d carried all my life; there were always ways in which I could reference being a child, tending to my inner child.
But mother – to break away from my individual, to tend to and grow someone that wasn’t myself – this was new. I wasn’t just the clay anymore, I was the vessel too.
Lately, I’d been thinking about the idea of my career. Thoughts that arose perhaps from the recent release of two new music albums: first, The 1975’s then Taylor Swift’s. I’d scour the internet for interviews with Matty Healy (from The 1975), after being intrigued by the hints of a deeper discussion from clips that were shared on social media. I admire the way they worked with Jack Antonoff, the producer (and also frontman of one of my all time favourite bands: Bleachers). I know how pictures (and words) online can be deceiving, but it truly seems like they have such a great working relationship together.
And I thought: wasn’t that the dream? The dream wasn’t earning billions, it was actually being able to make a living from something that fed your soul and working with the right people whom you could produce and bounce ideas off with.
And so, my career. I thought I’d always seen myself as a career woman; I’d work despite whatever, despite children and a family. I honestly never thought I’d leave the work force and rely (solely) on my husband for food and shelter. And here’s the epiphany: maybe it was easier, safer, to aspire towards something I could control. Theoretically, to work and choose something that fulfilled and sustained me seemed like a safer choice. That is, safer than the wild card of finding the right person and actually having a family with them. The latter felt so arbitrary, it felt like it would’ve been entirely up to luck.
And damn, if I’m not lucky. Every day I look at both of them in awe, both my partner and child and just wonder if I could get any more grateful to have met them in this life. To have them. Big words ring hollow after reading them for the umpteenth time, but there’s a reason why they’re used so much – it’s true.
I still don’t know how I feel about having to put aside a moneymaking hobby that was gaining an unreal amount of traction, to just completely put it away to make way for a baby, because how cliché is that? A mother, sacrificing all she once held dear for her child. But there was no question, and also the silent knowing that I would do it again and again, for her. And maybe that’s all I need to acknowledge of the transition for now.